Friday, May 20, 2011

The Rapture Takes Place Tomorrow. A Few Tips

As we all know, the raptor Rapture is finally upon us. So here are just a few tips for those going as well as those left behind.

• Cite any version of the "sinners prayer" before Saturday. Just remember that the words aren't magical, but if you say them you are good to go. This is very crucial to how you will spend your Sunday.

• Try to dwell in open spaces on Saturday. My friends and I will be on a boat on the lake. This is to avoid hitting any roofs, bridges, and/or trees.

• If you are "saved" get a non-Christian (if you know one) "DD" and do not drive on Saturday. This is for common curtesy and safety for those left.

• Close your eyes if you are afraid of heights.

• Never mind that whole, "like a thief in the night", "no one knows the hour" bit. Jesus was only kidding.

• if you're on your roof, do not go into your house to get anything. Can't take it with you and a twinkling of an eye wont allow you enough time to get back outside. Still not sure how being indoors affects departure.

• if you own a trumpet or have access to one, Saturday would be a fun day to blow it.

• Between now and then do something you have always wanted to do but have Not had the chance. (I don't suggest sky diving, for what you will experience Saturday is probably kind of similar just backwards.) also, nothing you wouldn't want Jesus to catch you doing just in case he comes early.

• Make sure to say good bye to your friends of other religions, liberal and progressive Christians, as well as Catholics. I don't make the rules.

• If left behind, try to at least enjoy the next 3 and a half years, after that it's going to suck.

• If you are a man and find yourself in a field with another man, just know you only have a 50% chance. This also goes for two women grinding with a hand mill.

• the messiah is not in the wilderness Or in the inner room. So don't check those two places.

• after the rapture, many environmentalist and activist for social justice (aka Jesus' teachings) will be reflecting on all the things they could have done with their lives.

• Watch anything with Kirk Cameron in it to get prepared. I suggest "Growing Pains" his career kinda went down hill after that.

• Do not believe the "Left Behind" series. Once it happens, it's too late.

• Lets Give the president a break, Obama will have a lot on his plate bringing about a one world government and world peace.

• There will be dead people (zombies?) walking the streets, I am not sure if you should kill them or not. Use your best judgment.

• after the rapture, I will probably be found somewhere reconstructing my entire theology.

• durring the event, Act really shocked because this was suppose to be a surprise. We were not suppose to know. so Lets not ruin this for Jesus, he has been waiting a long time.

• Of course Matthew 24 is referring to the rapture and not something like the destruction of the temple in AD 70.

• Do a little research on the origin of the doctrine of the Rapture. Read everything the church fathers wrote about it.(hint: this won't take long) Google John Nelson Darby or something. And then do some serious rethinking.

A few fun, as well as, sobering songs for the Rapture EP.

- I Wish we'd all been ready - DC Talk

- I'm coming home - that bald guy from AI (note: this is actually about The artist whining about being on tour, but most Christian radio station insist it's about going to heaven.)

- People get ready, Jesus is coming - Crystal Lewis

- Its the end of the world as we know it - REM

- Party like it's 1999 - Prince

Feel free to add more songs.

What are your tips for experiencing the Rapture?


Jessica said...

And now every Hallelujah chorus I was preparing my heart with has been replaced by a nonending version of "It's the end of the world as we know it... it's the end of the world as yooouuu know it...and I'm still fine-*evil laugh*"

Seriously. I'd welcome it if it came, but I'm with you-if it comes and I get left behind I'll be rocking myself in a corner somewhere-cradling the trumpet I bought. (Hey, at least it will come in handy for killing these zombies you speak of...)

Phil Greenaway said...

I'm with you on reworking my theology. Thanks for a refreshing and innovative piece!

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